The oldest written reference to a gool appears in a 1782 farmer's almanac from Vermont, in which an unnamed correspondent reports that "a small green creature, no bigger than a turnip, did sit upon the fencepost and regard me kindly for the duration of one pipe."
The almanac entry is filed under Weather.
Goolz are what becomes of objects you misplace and never find. The lone sock. The good pen. The recipe your grandmother dictated to you in 2009. They consolidate, somewhere, into a small green creature, who lives somewhere quiet, and remembers.
A favorite of footnote scholars. Cannot be falsified. Cannot be proved. The Society lists it under "charming."
Goolz are not creatures but positions. Every quiet place requires a small caretaker. The caretaker takes whatever form the place is most comfortable with. Most places are comfortable with "small," "green," and "shy."
Held by the Society's older members. Untestable. Comforting.
Goolz are local rendering errors in the texture of ordinary experience. The world has a low polygon count in certain places — the back of the closet, the bottom of the bog, the second page of a long footnote — and goolz are the smoothing function the world runs to compensate.
Held mostly by members under 35. The Society lists it under "technically interesting."
| Region | Name | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| New England | gool | standard; this Society's preferred |
| Appalachia | green-mister | polite; capitalized |
| Pacific NW | moss-cousin | respectful; never angled at directly |
| Iceland | litla græna | "little green one" |
| Scotland | wee neebor | used affectionately |
| Japan | こけびと (kokebito) | "moss person"; possibly unrelated |
| Internet, 2009–2014 | "the green guy" | discontinued |
The Society has, since 1981, been split on this question. The Affirmative Caucus notes that several Society members have observed sleeping goolz murmuring distinct, untranslatable syllables. The Negative Caucus notes that those members were also asleep at the time.
A 2017 attempt to settle the matter via overnight observation ended when both observers fell asleep, the gool fell asleep, and no one is sure who started.
.-""""-. z
/ . . \ z
| -- | z
\________/ z
zzz
The Society holds that any of the above may be true. The Society further holds that the gool is real because we have all, at one point or another, sat on a step at dusk and felt watched by something kind, and that this is a sufficient ontology for a small voluntary society.